I still have feelings for someone else. I'm preoccupied. I'm something. I really don't know. I can explain it all in my head, but actually communicating it is far more difficult. I miss a certain girl and there's really no way to be back with her. I would really do anything, but it couldn't happen.

I'm not good with this sort of thing, feelings and all that.

Things between Jada and I are going well. VERY well, actually. I'm pretty amazed by this girl, we can talk for days on end without running out of anything to say.

But there's always this little voice in the back of my mind that casts doubt. I worry too much.

I worry I talk too much.

I worry she's hiding some big thing she hasn't revealed yet

I worry that I'll push her away like I do with everyone else.

I worry that the emotions will run dry again.

I'm worrying like crazy, but she's still managing to calm me down somehow. I don't know how she does it, but she actually puts me at ease somehow. She's interested in so many things I thought were sort of dorky, but cool at the same time. She LARPs, she Cosplays, she's into Anime in a big way, she makes steampunk costumes. 

Before, I would have judged someone for these things. I probably would have assumed they were immature and not that interesting, but we've had deeper conversations, and she's there on that level too. I feel like she's who I would have been like if I were female and raised by better parents. Once again, playing into the fear that I'm not good enough.

I'm taking it slow. We've been together only a little over 2 weeks, and we've only kissed...with a little bit of grope-age. By now, usually, I would have gotten into a regular sex phase with someone. So this is very different.

I'm really trying here, I just need to calm m anxieties a bit.

I'm currently writing to you in the middle of the night. I was on a date last night and drank a bit, so I stayed on this girl's couch. Her name is Jada by the way.

Anywho....the date went a bit awkward. I'm trying not to lie, about everything anyways. I'm trying to take in and reflect these changes and ideas that have inspired me ever since I wrote those two really long blogs about Sue and Jes. 

She's very shy, so I may just be reading into things, as all of her roomates are telling me, but still I feel as though I read body language fairly well and she seems completely uninterested in me, going so far as to one point grab her laptop when everyone else had theirs out (besides me) and start reading articles. But she's only had a couple of official boyfriends...and she's a virgin. So, I figure I can chalk it up to her not knowing any better, since at the end of the night she said she wanted to go on another date soon....

It's difficult to transition from the manipulative state of dating where I can control in some sense how the girl feels about me through stories and well crafted lies, into honest dating where you have to expose yourself (to a point...I'm not informing what's going on in my head. Not yet anyways.). 

Fuck, I'm hungover, I wish she could have snuggled up at least a little to me to show affection...she did put her legs on my lap. Maybe that's something.